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Jul. 27th, 2004 08:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disneydream06This is for all my coffee loving friends. And for all you youngsters, Jackie Mason is an old Jewish comedian.
This is Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's. Be sure to remember Jackie
Mason's voice as you read.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole
new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee. I'll
charge
$2.50, $3.50, $4.50, &$5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no
chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in
cardboard
cups, &have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they're
finished."
Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever
heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put
me
right into a sanitarium.
And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about
it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's
the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when
it's
burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special
bean from Argentina....."
The bean is in your head!!! I know burnt!!! You want coffee in a coffee
shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Café
Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another $4.00.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee
shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the
face. 40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of
cream:
"Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why?
Because it's called "coffee." You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for
cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do
they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price
for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents,
that's
it.
But, not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a
refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want
until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 &keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more
coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is
$1.50, 2 refills, $4.50, 3 refills, $19.50. So, for 4 cups of coffee -
$35.00.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high
stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high
since you were 2. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing &climbing to
get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even
drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table,
&everybody's
saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the
chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this
country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters &no
service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't
have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a
cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee.
You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs,
no service, a
cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the
more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth 4 times as
much!
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's? Buy a
cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that
cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to
have to hire a detective to find that cookie, & it's $9.50. And you can't
put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a
bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another
60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents.
That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the
cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you
want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is
here."
Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take
the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese?
The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour & a half selecting
items, & then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that
says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, & you owe him money?
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.
They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor.
Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around
cleaning up Starbuck's. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up."
They clean up the place for an hour &a half.
Starbuck's can only get away with it because they have French titles
for everything, %$#%^&*.
And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk
about people.
This is Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's. Be sure to remember Jackie
Mason's voice as you read.
If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole
new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee. I'll
charge
$2.50, $3.50, $4.50, &$5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no
chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in
cardboard
cups, &have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they're
finished."
Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever
heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put
me
right into a sanitarium.
And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about
it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's
the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when
it's
burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special
bean from Argentina....."
The bean is in your head!!! I know burnt!!! You want coffee in a coffee
shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Café
Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another $4.00.
Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee
shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the
face. 40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of
cream:
"Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why?
Because it's called "coffee." You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for
cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do
they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price
for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents,
that's
it.
But, not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a
refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want
until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 &keep drinking coffee
until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more
coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is
$1.50, 2 refills, $4.50, 3 refills, $19.50. So, for 4 cups of coffee -
$35.00.
And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high
stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high
since you were 2. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing &climbing to
get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even
drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table,
&everybody's
saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the
chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this
country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters &no
service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't
have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a
cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee.
You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs,
no service, a
cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the
more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth 4 times as
much!
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's? Buy a
cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that
cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to
have to hire a detective to find that cookie, & it's $9.50. And you can't
put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a
bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another
60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents.
That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the
cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you
want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is
here."
Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take
the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese?
The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour & a half selecting
items, & then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that
says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, & you owe him money?
Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished.
They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor.
Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around
cleaning up Starbuck's. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up."
They clean up the place for an hour &a half.
Starbuck's can only get away with it because they have French titles
for everything, %$#%^&*.
And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk
about people.
