Innocent Dorothy???
Dec. 13th, 2005 04:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
disneydream06I swiped this from my friend, John, over on Blurty......
Kinda long, but this is the funniest thing I've ever read (b/c it's so true)
SOMEWHERE OVER MY ASS
ok. so i am lying here watching "the wizard of oz" and i started to get bothered by the fact that everyone always makes miss gulch/the wicked witch of the west out to be such a big villain. what did she do that was so terrible? and how about dorothy? what kind of heroine was she? lets take a look at their various deeds before we start to assign labels.
*** dorothy is a big slacker. her auntie em and uncle henry have a big, busy farm and dorothy doesnt do any work. she is not even a little bit helpful. all she does is wander around causing trouble and singing songs to herself while auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands do all the work.
*** dorothy pitches a big crying, screaming fit when miss gulch shows up at the farm demanding that dorothy turn over her dog. i do not think this is such an unacceptable request. apparently dorothy allows her mangy little dog to run around the countryside, tearing up people's yards, and chasing their cats. and i never once saw him on a leash. uncle henry and auntie em see the reason in this and promptly turn toto over to the law-abiding miss gulch. thats when dorothy has her tantrum and runs off to her room, slamming the door behind her. brat!
*** miss gulch rides a bicycle so she is obviously environmently conscious.
*** dorothy decides to run away from home with no reguard to the feelings of her auntie em and uncle henry, nor the 3 homosexual farmhands. once on the run, she takes up with a creepy old man who rides around in a gypsy-looking wagon. she then asks this strange man if he will take her with him to europe. i think she is looking for a sugar daddy. whore. she is so stupid that she doesnt even notice him plundering all through her stuff looking for cash.
*** eventually the creepy ole pedophile is like "this bitch aint got no cash. she is deadweight and i dont like her dress". he then manages to guilt her into returning to poor old auntie em and uncle henry and the 3 homosexual farmhands. shoot. i bet they had just started celebrating.
*** meanwhile dorothy is meandering her way down the country road back home. she is so self-involved with her wandering that she doesnt notice the big ass tornado like 4 feet away from her. she takes so long in getting home, that auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands manage to put away all the animals and lock up the barn and make it inside the storm cellar before dorothy can manage to open the front gate. then, instead of heading straight for the storm cellar, she decides to run all crazy around the house screaming for auntie em. sorry sweets. auntie em is in the storm cellar with uncle henry and the 3 homosexual farmhands eating spam and playing monopoly. when she FINALLY stumbles upon the idea that MAYBE she ought to go to the storm cellar, she finds that auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands have already locked her runaway ass out. HA! so she decides to wait out the storm inside her very ramshackle farmhouse. ok. fine. she had to seek shelter. but once inside, does she find a nice closet, bathroom, or any structually sound part of the house in which to hide? no. no she does not. in fact, she stands directly in front of her open bedroom window so that she can WATCH the tornado. and even when she comes to the brilliant conclusion that she is actually INSIDE the tornado, does she take this bit of information and decide that perhaps she should take cover? no. no she does not. she remains transfixed at her bedroom window watching her neighbors and various farn animals fly before her. also, does she think to perhaps.....oh....help the people flying around inside of a tornado? nah. selfish is our little dorothy. i can assure that if sydney bristow or lara croft were stuck inside a house that was stuck inside a tornado they would not be standing around gaping stupidly at people and animals flying around her. no indeed. they would be ripping up bedsheets in order to fashion a rope with which to lasso the passersby. dorothy? not so much. nope. she just stands there looking stupid until her house lands with a thud.
*** opening the front door of her shack she finds herself in the middle of the munchkin village. once the munchkins come out to greet her she also discovers that she had very rudely landed her house on top of a woman wearing very punk rock stripy socks and some very garish red slippers. anyway before the munchkin village police department can come in and section off the crime scene, there is a new arrival on the scene.
*** glinda the good witch of the north. unappreciated. first all her outfit is like 17 kinds of ugly. big ole pink, sparkly ball gowns are really never appropriate for daytime wear. never ever ever. also, she is carrying a big ole glittered sceptre and wearing a big ass spangled crown. i bet she was recently crowned Miss Emerald City 1939. also, traveling around in a big pink bubble? well thats just pretentious and tacky. i suppose she is too upscale to ride about on a broomstick. whatever. but what i find most disturbing about glinda is the fact that she incites a near riot in the munchkin city by announcing the death of the wicked witch of the east. a very large, festive, disturbing singing and dancing extravaganza ensues. glinda is actually conducting the parade which celebrates someone's death. how morbid and inappropriate is that??? now i know the wicked witch of the east was supposed to be some evil tyrant. but, looking around munchkin village i dont see much proof of that. the community seems to be thriving and the villagers seem healthy and prosperous. so how bad could she be? certainly not bad enough to deserve to have a house dropped on her head.
*** lets discuss munchkinland and dorothy's reaction to it. these little people go out of their way to make her feel welcome. they sing and dance at her and drive her around in a little carriage. but is she at all grateful? no. no she is not. she starts whining about wanting to go back to kansas. whatever. kansas is drab and monochromatic. munchkin village is bright and happy and technocolorful. there is a pretty river with a cute bridge. cute little children sleep in gigantic bird nests. they have adorable little thatched cottages. AND they have a whole guild dedicated to lollipops. it is, in a word, heaven. but dorothy does not appreciate any of this. nor does she apologize for dropping an ugly gray house right in the middle of their town square. all she does is whine and whine and whine. and then she steals the poor dead woman's shoes. well...technically glinda stole them and gave them to her. BUT dorothy is still guilty of receiving stolen goods. but all she is worrying about is returning to auntie em. please..i bet the minute the tornado was over and everyone realized dorothy was gone, auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands went straight to the nearest bar and starting doing celebratory shots.
*** enter the wicked witch of the west. or WWW as i shall be refering to her. she has obviously come to investigate the slaying of her sister. she comes on the scene not only to discover that dorothy has fatally assaulted her sister with a farmhouse, but that glinda and dorothy has stolen her inheritance. also, dorothy doesnt even apologize for killing the WWW's sister, nor does she offer to return her "ruby" slippers. rude. rude. rude. she keeps tight inside those shoes even though they clash horribly with her blue and white gingham ensemble. lets discuss dorothy's clothing for a moment. she is what? 35-40 years old. way way too old to be trying to pull of the swiss miss look. and those big ole braided pigtails dont help matters any. WWW on the other hand is very tastefully attired in a simple little black dress and matching hat. also, she brings a broom with her every place she goes so that she wont leave any insightly messes behind. unlike miss dorothy who still hasnt offered to help clean up the mess her made by her falling house.
*** glinda, in response to dorothy's ungrateful whining, tells her that in order to get back home she will have to walk all the way to the emerald city and ask the wizard to help her. she has to walk? why? i know there are horses in the munchkin village. plus glinda travels around in a big pink bubble. she couldnt hook up dorothy with one? oh and glinda is a liar of the 20th degree. as we see at the end of the movie, Miss Emerald City is full of crap and knew the whole time how to send dorothy back home. glinda is all about the mind games. shady.
*** anyway, i think dorothy might be a fag hag. no sooner does she leave the munchkin village than she picks up some skinny man standing around in a cornfield impaled on a big pole.(make of that whatever you will) dorothy pulls him off the pole and then he cements his sissy status by bursting into a song and dance right there in the middle of the street. hello? traffic hazard. anyhow, lots of singing, dancing, and plot exposition ensue and the 2 of them (plus the still unleashed toto) merrily head down the yellow brick road.
*** after they ease on down the road for a while dorothy decides she is hungry and takes it upon herself to rob a local orchard of apples that do not belong to her. then she acts appalled and scared when the trees start fighting back. good for them! if i was an apple tree and some strange girl starting plucking my fruit i think i would fight back as well. eventually though, the scarecrow figures out how to trick the apple trees into throwing their fruit at them so that dorothy can fill her little basket. thanks for ruining the harvest of some poor farmer, dorothy. i hope he and his family dont starve.
*** while dorothy is crawling around on the ground picking up the purloined fruits she stumbles upon a metal-looking man standing frozen in the middle of the woods. once she lubes him up. (eww) he explains his situation in a dramatic song and dance in the middle of the road just like the scarecrow. only this song is more gay. he goes on and on about how he doesnt have a heart. i know what this guy's problem is. he just got dumped and is feeling very bitter. thats probably why he was outside. he was probably trying to be a big martyr and get sympathy by standing out in the rain and rusting himself. he is, however, gay gay gay. he is really working the silver lipstick and eyeshadow and he has turned an old funnel into a jaunty hat. i have a feeling that he may be entering the Miss Poison Poppies pagent. also he doesnt move very well. he is very rusty and stiff. i guess as he got old he lost some of his flexibility. he should try yoga or pilates.
*** so after everyone is finished singing and dancing in the middle of the road, our old friend WWW makes an appearance. she warns the travelers that they have a very long way to go before they reach the emerald city. and all she gets from her sage words of advice is a lot of dirty looks and eye rolling. so, she throws a teeny fireball at them. no one is hurt, but there is much dramatics. get over yourselves. its not like she DROPPED A FUCKING HOUSE ON SOMEONE AND STOLE THEIR SHOES.
*** after more easing on down the road the fags and their hag find themselves in this dark, scary forest. and dorothy seems shocked when she hears scary animal sounds. well duh. i think dorothy might be a bit slow. let's just put her on the short bus to the emerald city and be done with it. also, once they get to the emerald city, they need to get with the head of the land of oz transportation department; because this part of the yellow brick road is very unkempt. weeds are growing between the bricks, many of which are broken or uneven. very dangerous. what if you were running from some mean forest creature and you tripped on a loose brick? lawsuit.
*** deep in the middle of the forest, they are assaulted the gayest lion on the face of the earth. he is so gay that he makes the tin man look butch by comparison. at first i felt bad for the poor gay lion because he was obviously not at home in the forest. perhaps that is because lions do not live in forests. they live in african savannas. plus i felt bad for him because he is on the receiving end of a nasty bitch slap from dorothy just because the lion tried to defend himself from toto. no, she still doesnt have that dog on a leash. and now its time for the lion to sing his gay song. and it is by far the gayest of the bunch. complete with lisping vocals and wrists flings. dorothy and her 2 homosexual companions agree to take the lion along with them to the emerald city at which time they plan to beg the wizard for some personal shit.
*** now we are at the castle of WWW. she is gazing in her handy-dandy crystal ball and she notices that dorothy and her homos are approaching her glorious field of poppies. knowing that dorothy does not posess the manners to go around the pretty flower beds and instead intends to go tromping through them, crushing the blossoms and the stems. WWW tries to prevent this from happening by poisoning the poppies. so as dorothy and company go skipping through the poppies she and the lion get more and more sleepy until the finally fall out on the ground and fall into deep comas. oh well. thats what you get for tresspassing and ruining people's gardens. unfortunately for WWW, nosy-ass glinda the good has also been watching this and she decides to reverse the effects of the poison by making it snow all over the flower field. the snow has the combined effect of waking up dorothy and the lion and ruining WWW's chance at winning the inner-oz flower show. poor WWW. she just wants her sisters shoes. shoes that by the way clash horribly with dorothy's swiss miss ensemble.
*** once the merry band of troublemakers finish stomping on each and every poppy, they start running towards emerald city. they find the gate closed and locked and they start banging on the door demanding to be let in. rude much? at first the guard refuses until he realizes that dorothy is sporting the stolen slippers, at which time he lets them come in. um....isnt that called harbouring a fugitive?
*** anyway he lets them in and gives them a quick tour of the city. they are driven around in a carriage being drawn by the faublous horse-of-a-different color. i love this horse. its the only creature who changes its haircolor more than i. after the tour, they are dropped off at a lovely emerald city day spa. unfortunately they dont change dorothy's dress but they do manage to brush out her nappy ass braided pigtail thingies. meanwhile the scarecrow has been freshly stuffed (no comment), the tin man has been polished and buffed (no comment) and the lion has been given a truly unfortunate spirial perm complete with a big ole nasty red bow on the top of his head. good lord.
*** after leaving the emerald city day spa (where i am willing to bet that no one tipped their beauty operators) the travelers head to the main office door of the wizard and demand to be let in. and no they dont have an appointment. nor were they invited or expected. bad manners. terrible, bad manners.
*** and we are back with WWW. she flies over the emerald city on her broomstick and writes a warning message in the air. wonderful. needless to say the emerald city townsfolk are freaking. again, everyone is acting like she did something horribly wrong. but again, IT NOT LIKE SHE MURDERED SOMEONE WITH A FARMHOUSE AND STOLE THEIR SHIT!!
*** anyhow, while they are waiting to hear if the wizard is willing to see them even though they dont have an appointment and he is busy running a city and inventing more original disguises, the lion decides that it is a great time to practice his talent for the Miss Poison Poppies pagent. he sings a terribly gay song about how it would be if he was king of the forest. pardon me...but....i dont think he is ever going to be "king" of anything. however, the others, trying to stroke his ego, play along with his little fantasy. they swathe him with a big green velvet rug that is trimmed with big ole white roses, they also break a green flower pot so that the lion can have a crown. again, they are destroying and misappropriating things that do not belong to him. they all need to be locked up in to Ye Olde Emerald City Jail.
*** eventually the wizard does agree to see them even though they tore up his reception area and have no appointments. basically they go in and beg for all the shit they want. the wizard agrees on one condition. they must agree to kill WWW, who as far as i can see has done no harm to the wizard nor any of the citizens of the emerald city. once again: its not like she DROPPED A FUCKING HOUSE ON ANYONE'S HEAD!. our intrepid travelers, of course, agree to kill the witch in exchange for the wizard granting their requests. so now we are talking about murder-for-hire. classy.
*** our homocidial homos and their gingham-clad hag set off in search of WWW. they are armed with the tin man's extra sharp ax and a big ole butterfly net, but i dont know what the big ole butterfly net is supposed to be for. maybe to catch the flying monkeys later on. speaking of the flying monkeys, WWW has of course, been kept abreast of the situation by the handy-dandy crystal ball and she sends out her band of flying monkeys to foil their assination attempt. they capture dorothy and her little dog too and they are taken back to WWW's castle. WWW then gives dorothy one more chance to return her "ruby" slippers. finally dorothy agrees to part with them. she is not sucessful. apparently, glinda the "good" put some kind of white lady voodoo on them because they wont come off as long as dorothy is alive. as i see it, there is only one option here. dorothy must die. but hey, she has already killed one person and she was plotting to kill another. and i do believe that murder-for-hire is punishable by death.
*** while miss whiny-ass gingham is being help in a very spacious room complete with a big ole honkin crystal ball and a pretty hourglass, her traveling companions decide to come to her rescue. so they brutally attack some castle guards and steal their clothing in order to sneak into the castle. tresspassing.
*** eventually they do manage to rescue dorothy and they run around the castle all crazy. WWW, though is too smart for them. she and the guards manage to corner them in one of the castle's towers. well, by this time she has had it. so yeah, she sorta sets the scarecrow on fire. but whatever. she is still grieving the loss of her sister. dorothy, in turn, throws a bucked of dirty mop water at him. most of the water, however, covers WWW, who actually melts. she literally disolves into the floor leaving only her hat and her little black dress behind. WWW's guards actually thank dorothy for melting WWW and gives them permission to take the broom. like how are the supposed to clean the castle? inconsiderate. and i STILL dont see why WWW was all that bad. all she was trying to do was seek justice for her sisters murder and then simply trying to defend herself against a hoarde of monsters seeking her out to do her in. i dont recall her ever, oh...DROPPING A GOD-DAMNED HOUSE ON SOMEONE, STEALING AND/OR DESTROYING PROPERTY THAT DOESNT BELONG TO HER, OR AGREEING TO MURDER SOMEONE FOR PROFIT. whatever. they just hated her because she was green and fabulous.
*** once they have celebrated another murder that dorothy has committed, they head back towards emerald city wherein they discover that the wizard is actually a fraud. he has no magical powers but he does have killer special effects skills, what with the giant floating head and all the fountains of fire. he manages to escape dorothy's wrath by feeding them all lines of total bullshit about how they all dont need what they think they need and instead of actually helping them he just gives them nifty props and accessories. as for returning dorothy to kansas, he vows to return her himself. apparently he keeps a hot air balloon on stand-by at all times. but then, toto shows his ass by chasing a cat in the crowd. while dorothy is trying to recapture him the balloon and wizard float away leaving dorothy and toto behind. that never would have happened had he been on a leash.
*** just when dorothy has given up all hope and is close to deciding to remain in the wonderful land of oz, glinda the "good" shows up with the news that dorothy has always had the power to go home. all she has to do is click her ugly shoes together and say "there's no place like home" over and over and over again. see what i mean about the fucking mindgames? since dorothy is obviously a homocidal maniac, she should have grabbed the tin man's ax and hacked up glinda in to itty, bitty pink sparkly pieces. but she clicks and mumbles "there's no place like home".
*** then she wakes up back in her bad in kansas. i guess glinda transported the farmhouse back along with dorothy. she lounges all dramatically in her bad while auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands sit by her bed cursing the cruel fate that brought this whiny creature back into their lives. and i bet miss gulch will be happy to see her as well.
so there you go. who would you cast in the roll of villain? how about heroine? to me it is clear. WWW goes around trying to mind her own business when she is harassed by a gingham-clad brat who ends up killing her.
the end.
"I'LL GET YOU MY MY PRETTY, AND YOU LITTLE DOG TOO!!!!!"
Kinda long, but this is the funniest thing I've ever read (b/c it's so true)
SOMEWHERE OVER MY ASS
ok. so i am lying here watching "the wizard of oz" and i started to get bothered by the fact that everyone always makes miss gulch/the wicked witch of the west out to be such a big villain. what did she do that was so terrible? and how about dorothy? what kind of heroine was she? lets take a look at their various deeds before we start to assign labels.
*** dorothy is a big slacker. her auntie em and uncle henry have a big, busy farm and dorothy doesnt do any work. she is not even a little bit helpful. all she does is wander around causing trouble and singing songs to herself while auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands do all the work.
*** dorothy pitches a big crying, screaming fit when miss gulch shows up at the farm demanding that dorothy turn over her dog. i do not think this is such an unacceptable request. apparently dorothy allows her mangy little dog to run around the countryside, tearing up people's yards, and chasing their cats. and i never once saw him on a leash. uncle henry and auntie em see the reason in this and promptly turn toto over to the law-abiding miss gulch. thats when dorothy has her tantrum and runs off to her room, slamming the door behind her. brat!
*** miss gulch rides a bicycle so she is obviously environmently conscious.
*** dorothy decides to run away from home with no reguard to the feelings of her auntie em and uncle henry, nor the 3 homosexual farmhands. once on the run, she takes up with a creepy old man who rides around in a gypsy-looking wagon. she then asks this strange man if he will take her with him to europe. i think she is looking for a sugar daddy. whore. she is so stupid that she doesnt even notice him plundering all through her stuff looking for cash.
*** eventually the creepy ole pedophile is like "this bitch aint got no cash. she is deadweight and i dont like her dress". he then manages to guilt her into returning to poor old auntie em and uncle henry and the 3 homosexual farmhands. shoot. i bet they had just started celebrating.
*** meanwhile dorothy is meandering her way down the country road back home. she is so self-involved with her wandering that she doesnt notice the big ass tornado like 4 feet away from her. she takes so long in getting home, that auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands manage to put away all the animals and lock up the barn and make it inside the storm cellar before dorothy can manage to open the front gate. then, instead of heading straight for the storm cellar, she decides to run all crazy around the house screaming for auntie em. sorry sweets. auntie em is in the storm cellar with uncle henry and the 3 homosexual farmhands eating spam and playing monopoly. when she FINALLY stumbles upon the idea that MAYBE she ought to go to the storm cellar, she finds that auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands have already locked her runaway ass out. HA! so she decides to wait out the storm inside her very ramshackle farmhouse. ok. fine. she had to seek shelter. but once inside, does she find a nice closet, bathroom, or any structually sound part of the house in which to hide? no. no she does not. in fact, she stands directly in front of her open bedroom window so that she can WATCH the tornado. and even when she comes to the brilliant conclusion that she is actually INSIDE the tornado, does she take this bit of information and decide that perhaps she should take cover? no. no she does not. she remains transfixed at her bedroom window watching her neighbors and various farn animals fly before her. also, does she think to perhaps.....oh....help the people flying around inside of a tornado? nah. selfish is our little dorothy. i can assure that if sydney bristow or lara croft were stuck inside a house that was stuck inside a tornado they would not be standing around gaping stupidly at people and animals flying around her. no indeed. they would be ripping up bedsheets in order to fashion a rope with which to lasso the passersby. dorothy? not so much. nope. she just stands there looking stupid until her house lands with a thud.
*** opening the front door of her shack she finds herself in the middle of the munchkin village. once the munchkins come out to greet her she also discovers that she had very rudely landed her house on top of a woman wearing very punk rock stripy socks and some very garish red slippers. anyway before the munchkin village police department can come in and section off the crime scene, there is a new arrival on the scene.
*** glinda the good witch of the north. unappreciated. first all her outfit is like 17 kinds of ugly. big ole pink, sparkly ball gowns are really never appropriate for daytime wear. never ever ever. also, she is carrying a big ole glittered sceptre and wearing a big ass spangled crown. i bet she was recently crowned Miss Emerald City 1939. also, traveling around in a big pink bubble? well thats just pretentious and tacky. i suppose she is too upscale to ride about on a broomstick. whatever. but what i find most disturbing about glinda is the fact that she incites a near riot in the munchkin city by announcing the death of the wicked witch of the east. a very large, festive, disturbing singing and dancing extravaganza ensues. glinda is actually conducting the parade which celebrates someone's death. how morbid and inappropriate is that??? now i know the wicked witch of the east was supposed to be some evil tyrant. but, looking around munchkin village i dont see much proof of that. the community seems to be thriving and the villagers seem healthy and prosperous. so how bad could she be? certainly not bad enough to deserve to have a house dropped on her head.
*** lets discuss munchkinland and dorothy's reaction to it. these little people go out of their way to make her feel welcome. they sing and dance at her and drive her around in a little carriage. but is she at all grateful? no. no she is not. she starts whining about wanting to go back to kansas. whatever. kansas is drab and monochromatic. munchkin village is bright and happy and technocolorful. there is a pretty river with a cute bridge. cute little children sleep in gigantic bird nests. they have adorable little thatched cottages. AND they have a whole guild dedicated to lollipops. it is, in a word, heaven. but dorothy does not appreciate any of this. nor does she apologize for dropping an ugly gray house right in the middle of their town square. all she does is whine and whine and whine. and then she steals the poor dead woman's shoes. well...technically glinda stole them and gave them to her. BUT dorothy is still guilty of receiving stolen goods. but all she is worrying about is returning to auntie em. please..i bet the minute the tornado was over and everyone realized dorothy was gone, auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands went straight to the nearest bar and starting doing celebratory shots.
*** enter the wicked witch of the west. or WWW as i shall be refering to her. she has obviously come to investigate the slaying of her sister. she comes on the scene not only to discover that dorothy has fatally assaulted her sister with a farmhouse, but that glinda and dorothy has stolen her inheritance. also, dorothy doesnt even apologize for killing the WWW's sister, nor does she offer to return her "ruby" slippers. rude. rude. rude. she keeps tight inside those shoes even though they clash horribly with her blue and white gingham ensemble. lets discuss dorothy's clothing for a moment. she is what? 35-40 years old. way way too old to be trying to pull of the swiss miss look. and those big ole braided pigtails dont help matters any. WWW on the other hand is very tastefully attired in a simple little black dress and matching hat. also, she brings a broom with her every place she goes so that she wont leave any insightly messes behind. unlike miss dorothy who still hasnt offered to help clean up the mess her made by her falling house.
*** glinda, in response to dorothy's ungrateful whining, tells her that in order to get back home she will have to walk all the way to the emerald city and ask the wizard to help her. she has to walk? why? i know there are horses in the munchkin village. plus glinda travels around in a big pink bubble. she couldnt hook up dorothy with one? oh and glinda is a liar of the 20th degree. as we see at the end of the movie, Miss Emerald City is full of crap and knew the whole time how to send dorothy back home. glinda is all about the mind games. shady.
*** anyway, i think dorothy might be a fag hag. no sooner does she leave the munchkin village than she picks up some skinny man standing around in a cornfield impaled on a big pole.(make of that whatever you will) dorothy pulls him off the pole and then he cements his sissy status by bursting into a song and dance right there in the middle of the street. hello? traffic hazard. anyhow, lots of singing, dancing, and plot exposition ensue and the 2 of them (plus the still unleashed toto) merrily head down the yellow brick road.
*** after they ease on down the road for a while dorothy decides she is hungry and takes it upon herself to rob a local orchard of apples that do not belong to her. then she acts appalled and scared when the trees start fighting back. good for them! if i was an apple tree and some strange girl starting plucking my fruit i think i would fight back as well. eventually though, the scarecrow figures out how to trick the apple trees into throwing their fruit at them so that dorothy can fill her little basket. thanks for ruining the harvest of some poor farmer, dorothy. i hope he and his family dont starve.
*** while dorothy is crawling around on the ground picking up the purloined fruits she stumbles upon a metal-looking man standing frozen in the middle of the woods. once she lubes him up. (eww) he explains his situation in a dramatic song and dance in the middle of the road just like the scarecrow. only this song is more gay. he goes on and on about how he doesnt have a heart. i know what this guy's problem is. he just got dumped and is feeling very bitter. thats probably why he was outside. he was probably trying to be a big martyr and get sympathy by standing out in the rain and rusting himself. he is, however, gay gay gay. he is really working the silver lipstick and eyeshadow and he has turned an old funnel into a jaunty hat. i have a feeling that he may be entering the Miss Poison Poppies pagent. also he doesnt move very well. he is very rusty and stiff. i guess as he got old he lost some of his flexibility. he should try yoga or pilates.
*** so after everyone is finished singing and dancing in the middle of the road, our old friend WWW makes an appearance. she warns the travelers that they have a very long way to go before they reach the emerald city. and all she gets from her sage words of advice is a lot of dirty looks and eye rolling. so, she throws a teeny fireball at them. no one is hurt, but there is much dramatics. get over yourselves. its not like she DROPPED A FUCKING HOUSE ON SOMEONE AND STOLE THEIR SHOES.
*** after more easing on down the road the fags and their hag find themselves in this dark, scary forest. and dorothy seems shocked when she hears scary animal sounds. well duh. i think dorothy might be a bit slow. let's just put her on the short bus to the emerald city and be done with it. also, once they get to the emerald city, they need to get with the head of the land of oz transportation department; because this part of the yellow brick road is very unkempt. weeds are growing between the bricks, many of which are broken or uneven. very dangerous. what if you were running from some mean forest creature and you tripped on a loose brick? lawsuit.
*** deep in the middle of the forest, they are assaulted the gayest lion on the face of the earth. he is so gay that he makes the tin man look butch by comparison. at first i felt bad for the poor gay lion because he was obviously not at home in the forest. perhaps that is because lions do not live in forests. they live in african savannas. plus i felt bad for him because he is on the receiving end of a nasty bitch slap from dorothy just because the lion tried to defend himself from toto. no, she still doesnt have that dog on a leash. and now its time for the lion to sing his gay song. and it is by far the gayest of the bunch. complete with lisping vocals and wrists flings. dorothy and her 2 homosexual companions agree to take the lion along with them to the emerald city at which time they plan to beg the wizard for some personal shit.
*** now we are at the castle of WWW. she is gazing in her handy-dandy crystal ball and she notices that dorothy and her homos are approaching her glorious field of poppies. knowing that dorothy does not posess the manners to go around the pretty flower beds and instead intends to go tromping through them, crushing the blossoms and the stems. WWW tries to prevent this from happening by poisoning the poppies. so as dorothy and company go skipping through the poppies she and the lion get more and more sleepy until the finally fall out on the ground and fall into deep comas. oh well. thats what you get for tresspassing and ruining people's gardens. unfortunately for WWW, nosy-ass glinda the good has also been watching this and she decides to reverse the effects of the poison by making it snow all over the flower field. the snow has the combined effect of waking up dorothy and the lion and ruining WWW's chance at winning the inner-oz flower show. poor WWW. she just wants her sisters shoes. shoes that by the way clash horribly with dorothy's swiss miss ensemble.
*** once the merry band of troublemakers finish stomping on each and every poppy, they start running towards emerald city. they find the gate closed and locked and they start banging on the door demanding to be let in. rude much? at first the guard refuses until he realizes that dorothy is sporting the stolen slippers, at which time he lets them come in. um....isnt that called harbouring a fugitive?
*** anyway he lets them in and gives them a quick tour of the city. they are driven around in a carriage being drawn by the faublous horse-of-a-different color. i love this horse. its the only creature who changes its haircolor more than i. after the tour, they are dropped off at a lovely emerald city day spa. unfortunately they dont change dorothy's dress but they do manage to brush out her nappy ass braided pigtail thingies. meanwhile the scarecrow has been freshly stuffed (no comment), the tin man has been polished and buffed (no comment) and the lion has been given a truly unfortunate spirial perm complete with a big ole nasty red bow on the top of his head. good lord.
*** after leaving the emerald city day spa (where i am willing to bet that no one tipped their beauty operators) the travelers head to the main office door of the wizard and demand to be let in. and no they dont have an appointment. nor were they invited or expected. bad manners. terrible, bad manners.
*** and we are back with WWW. she flies over the emerald city on her broomstick and writes a warning message in the air. wonderful. needless to say the emerald city townsfolk are freaking. again, everyone is acting like she did something horribly wrong. but again, IT NOT LIKE SHE MURDERED SOMEONE WITH A FARMHOUSE AND STOLE THEIR SHIT!!
*** anyhow, while they are waiting to hear if the wizard is willing to see them even though they dont have an appointment and he is busy running a city and inventing more original disguises, the lion decides that it is a great time to practice his talent for the Miss Poison Poppies pagent. he sings a terribly gay song about how it would be if he was king of the forest. pardon me...but....i dont think he is ever going to be "king" of anything. however, the others, trying to stroke his ego, play along with his little fantasy. they swathe him with a big green velvet rug that is trimmed with big ole white roses, they also break a green flower pot so that the lion can have a crown. again, they are destroying and misappropriating things that do not belong to him. they all need to be locked up in to Ye Olde Emerald City Jail.
*** eventually the wizard does agree to see them even though they tore up his reception area and have no appointments. basically they go in and beg for all the shit they want. the wizard agrees on one condition. they must agree to kill WWW, who as far as i can see has done no harm to the wizard nor any of the citizens of the emerald city. once again: its not like she DROPPED A FUCKING HOUSE ON ANYONE'S HEAD!. our intrepid travelers, of course, agree to kill the witch in exchange for the wizard granting their requests. so now we are talking about murder-for-hire. classy.
*** our homocidial homos and their gingham-clad hag set off in search of WWW. they are armed with the tin man's extra sharp ax and a big ole butterfly net, but i dont know what the big ole butterfly net is supposed to be for. maybe to catch the flying monkeys later on. speaking of the flying monkeys, WWW has of course, been kept abreast of the situation by the handy-dandy crystal ball and she sends out her band of flying monkeys to foil their assination attempt. they capture dorothy and her little dog too and they are taken back to WWW's castle. WWW then gives dorothy one more chance to return her "ruby" slippers. finally dorothy agrees to part with them. she is not sucessful. apparently, glinda the "good" put some kind of white lady voodoo on them because they wont come off as long as dorothy is alive. as i see it, there is only one option here. dorothy must die. but hey, she has already killed one person and she was plotting to kill another. and i do believe that murder-for-hire is punishable by death.
*** while miss whiny-ass gingham is being help in a very spacious room complete with a big ole honkin crystal ball and a pretty hourglass, her traveling companions decide to come to her rescue. so they brutally attack some castle guards and steal their clothing in order to sneak into the castle. tresspassing.
*** eventually they do manage to rescue dorothy and they run around the castle all crazy. WWW, though is too smart for them. she and the guards manage to corner them in one of the castle's towers. well, by this time she has had it. so yeah, she sorta sets the scarecrow on fire. but whatever. she is still grieving the loss of her sister. dorothy, in turn, throws a bucked of dirty mop water at him. most of the water, however, covers WWW, who actually melts. she literally disolves into the floor leaving only her hat and her little black dress behind. WWW's guards actually thank dorothy for melting WWW and gives them permission to take the broom. like how are the supposed to clean the castle? inconsiderate. and i STILL dont see why WWW was all that bad. all she was trying to do was seek justice for her sisters murder and then simply trying to defend herself against a hoarde of monsters seeking her out to do her in. i dont recall her ever, oh...DROPPING A GOD-DAMNED HOUSE ON SOMEONE, STEALING AND/OR DESTROYING PROPERTY THAT DOESNT BELONG TO HER, OR AGREEING TO MURDER SOMEONE FOR PROFIT. whatever. they just hated her because she was green and fabulous.
*** once they have celebrated another murder that dorothy has committed, they head back towards emerald city wherein they discover that the wizard is actually a fraud. he has no magical powers but he does have killer special effects skills, what with the giant floating head and all the fountains of fire. he manages to escape dorothy's wrath by feeding them all lines of total bullshit about how they all dont need what they think they need and instead of actually helping them he just gives them nifty props and accessories. as for returning dorothy to kansas, he vows to return her himself. apparently he keeps a hot air balloon on stand-by at all times. but then, toto shows his ass by chasing a cat in the crowd. while dorothy is trying to recapture him the balloon and wizard float away leaving dorothy and toto behind. that never would have happened had he been on a leash.
*** just when dorothy has given up all hope and is close to deciding to remain in the wonderful land of oz, glinda the "good" shows up with the news that dorothy has always had the power to go home. all she has to do is click her ugly shoes together and say "there's no place like home" over and over and over again. see what i mean about the fucking mindgames? since dorothy is obviously a homocidal maniac, she should have grabbed the tin man's ax and hacked up glinda in to itty, bitty pink sparkly pieces. but she clicks and mumbles "there's no place like home".
*** then she wakes up back in her bad in kansas. i guess glinda transported the farmhouse back along with dorothy. she lounges all dramatically in her bad while auntie em, uncle henry, and the 3 homosexual farmhands sit by her bed cursing the cruel fate that brought this whiny creature back into their lives. and i bet miss gulch will be happy to see her as well.
so there you go. who would you cast in the roll of villain? how about heroine? to me it is clear. WWW goes around trying to mind her own business when she is harassed by a gingham-clad brat who ends up killing her.
the end.
"I'LL GET YOU MY MY PRETTY, AND YOU LITTLE DOG TOO!!!!!"
