(no subject)

Another laugh from my friend, Jim

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse
vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive (curse word).
Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he
could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation,
David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and
screaming, then suddenly there was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and action and I ask your forgiveness.
I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the
parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

(no subject)

Would you like to be my friend? lol.......................
From my friend, Jim, again.

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems
that always sound good, but never actually come close
to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that
really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and
plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you
sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever
is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it
every chance I get

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be and to quit
whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me
until you are well again. I don't want whatever you
have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your
clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You
may ask.

Because you are my friend.